Reflection - The Journey of a Joule (Where does yours begin and end?)

On the J side...

I have known Ken just as long as I have befriended my hair; or better yet meeting Kenya made me more aware of my hair! She introduced me to weave… and “dookie” braids. Do yall remember those big braids Janet Jackson wore in ‘Poetic Justice’… yep, those… Ken gave me the introduction to them! This is a big deal because we lived in Germany. Not only was there a scarce supply of black hair care; but also hairstyles. We would drive on the autobahn to places out of the way just to find someone to do our hair half way decent. If you ever have driven/rode on the autobahn you can understand why this is a BIG DEAL! When Kenya and I met I was at the age of awkward self-awareness. Ken was put together with the latest and greatest from the states! HELPPP ME WITH MY LOOK!! (smile)I didn’t know how to really maintain my look or hair. I was sooooo into my looks and hair but really did not have the tools to keep my hair in place. Not to mention, I had VERY thick, coarse, long hair that was hard even for the hair stylists in my locale to manage. Because of this fact, I had to learn fast. Relaxing my hair helped to keep it manageable for me and others. I think in the beginning of my journey was like most little black girls… confusing! I wanted long locks that flowed and I hate the ritual of burning relaxers every five weeks that kept the smell of rotten eggs in my scalp for the first days. Either way, I loved the results!

Journeying with Kenya has had parallels to my relationship with my hair. We love, we get frustrated, we mask our faults, nurture, and forgive. I will go through phases of absolutely loving my hair. Having great hair days, picking a new relaxer that helps manage the swing and bounce. I would get frustrated at how my hair would act, so I would hide it or mask its faults with wigs or weave. Covering my hair’s deficiencies (or what I thought were deficiencies) was much easier than confronting why it was not “acting right”! Don’t get me wrong, I will still rock a weave or even a wig (if Rico lets me) but it just feels good to have the raw, naturalness of me exposed. Lastly, relationships have had great moments through nurturing. By nurturing we ask for forgiveness. I remember looking in the mirror and smoothing reconstructive protein conditioner on my hair, after grossly disrespecting it. “Please forgive me, scalp… dang, look at my po hair!” I would be whispering while nurturing and mending each strand. This journey is important and reflective. Ken and Jas have the same journey that you other Joule’s can relate to with relationships. It is a cycle. But once you expose the natural root… the very essence of what the relationship means, it is easier to embrace the “kinks” in the journey. I choose not to give up, keep the journey going and love the ride. My hair is radiant and relearning how to be beautiful in its natural state. I know this isn’t the end… merely the beginning. Buckle up, this ain’t the autobahn but just as foreign. Let’s go Kenya… our journey deserves 18+ more….

On the K side...

Sometimes when you look in the mirror you don’t always like your reflection. Or sometimes the reflection is clouded with blemishes, pimples, caked up eyelashes from last night’s party make-up, and mascara. But other times, the face that looks back at you is one that has made mistakes, failed, made friends, lost friends, beautiful, tamed, golden, and above all wiser than the last look in the mirror. As a young girl – I was a hot mess! Growing up in Germany, nobody really cared about how you looked, how cool you talked or even what kind of clothes you were wearing. Everybody there is in the same crab bucket (thanks to the military we all move around a lot) we are constantly looking for a friend. I think that because I moved around so much I never learned the true meaning of friendship because I was always forming new ones and not staying around long enough to nurture and grow the ones I already formed. Except for Jas, I have know this lady for 18 years, over half of my life. Thanks to God who saw the benefit in our connection - somehow although we drifted apart we always came back together again. When I first met Jas, I was loud, nappy headed, flat chested and in need of some Noxzema! Let’s just say – I hadn’t come into my own “joule” yet. Jas had long think hair, she was skinny, pretty with big boobs (In the 6th grade ya’ll)! I used to get so jealous because all the men liked her more!!! I think in some instances I sort of resented that she was so developed and pretty and I was well the “ugly duckling”. My mirror moments back then were filled with pre-teen angst and longing for these pimples to just melt away! Fast-forward to 2003 when I first moved to Atlanta to go to graduate school (I thought I was hot stuff by now!). Jas was already living down there and I was ready to live it up – but then she was blessed with a child and I can remember thinking selfishly and saying to her “So who am I going to grow up with now” (In my most adolescent voice)? But yet even when my reflection seemed the ugliest and I put my own needs before my lifelong friends’ – God put my face right back in the mirror to see that friendship in not measured by movements but by seasons of giving, love, laughter, anger, and joy. Remember, love does not hurt, does not lie and is not conditional. Upon this realization, only then, when you can truly see your reflection and be assured that what’s looking back is not skewed by cover-up and corrector – can you appreciate the joule you are and those extra beautiful joules that surround you. Thanks Jas for cleaning the dirty make-up off my face.

Two- Joules... Friends for Life

Bald Headed Beauty

The other day I went to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes for my sister and the clerk carded me. I showed him my Driver License and the man said to me, "The person in the picture is not you." I replied, "Why would you say that?" He then had the audacity to say to me, "The person in the picture has hair!" You know I responded sarcastically - "What you trying to say, that I'm bald headed?" Well you know that threw him for a loop. He took his foot out of his mouth to quickly fix the statement and said, "No your not bald headed - there are not many people who can rock that hair style and get away with it." I left the store a bit perplexed because I thought "get away with it" - What the heck is that supposed to mean? Furthermore, why do people always say stupid stuff like that when they are uncomfortable or are too drugged up on the look that creamy crack gives black women to see the beauty of their own heritage. We didn't always relax our hair! Moreover, I think (and I may not be right) this started so that Caucasians would find us more pleasing to the eye. Somebody even told me that I had the head for a natural doo! Does that mean that someone with a bigger head than me is S.O.L.???? This got me to thinkn' (you know I had to use improper English on this one). Are we so subconsciously vain that we (I mean us women) have become so defined or dependent upon our tresses rather than what our own natural beauty brings to the table? I must admit that after cutting my hair I noticed so much more about my facial features. I began to see that I love the freckles on my face that show when the sun shines on my face ever so gently or the moles that seem to become more and more prominent as I age or even my lips that have a slight turn and pout which makes me feel sexy (thanks to my lip gloss - which is popin'!). These are the things that define my beauty. It my hope that all women - natural or relaxed - find their definition of beauty as well. I have come to realize that even women with long hair have deficiencies. I can remember as a young girl putting a scarf on my head as if it was my own hair and thinking "Now this is real beauty". But I was disillusioned. Real beauty is understanding and being comfortable in your own skin and sharing that ray of sunshine with each person you encounter. Like Ms. India Arie says, "I am not my hair" (as I sing in my best shower voice) In other words everyone has their own joule that makes them shine and it's not locked into a bag of weave or a bald head - it's your curves, your smile, and your swagger that makes you a joule of a beauty! Toodles and Kisses!

My Smile

"Why did you do it?" and "Don't you miss your hair?" are some of the most common questions I hear right now. I am sure Kenya can agree to this; but most people that know us KNEW our hairstyle. Mine was a short cropped, sassy haircut that definitley became my signature in the past 5 years. I was absolutley, positively sure that shedding my signature cut wouldn't cause such a spectacle. BOY was I wrong!!! (smile) Even my daughter said, "Mom, you need a wig."
Whatttt! Kids say the darndest things, right!? Well, I knew that secretly some other people were thinking the same thing. Jada just said it out loud. So, this journey has now become two-fold for me. a.) I will have healthy natural hair b.) My daughter will see confidence isn't a signature hairstyle, it is Mommy's smile and the way she moves. I LOVE IT! Jada is a "joule" already and she doesnt even know it. Her hair doesnt flow like the Disney channel characters she idolizes. It is curly and puffs up when moisture hits it. However, you can not tell that little girl she is not the BIZNESS, ok!? I sent her a picture of my baby 'fro ( she is in Louisiana for the summer) and I was nervous for her response. No one (besides my husband) made me nervous to hear their inital reaction to this new look I was sporting. Jada wants to be just like me. She thinks I am the most beautiful and coolest creature in the world... It is important I keep that image for her and my self esteem! So, I pause ... and wait.
"Jada, what do you think, does Mommy need a wig?"
"Awww man, Mommy... I like your make up and your eyelashes." She proceeds to yell into the phone, " CAN I WEAR MAKE UP TOO IF I CUT MY HAIR OFF!!!??"
I smiled. She gets it, kinda. (Smile) It isn't my hair. It's my eyes, my skin, my smile... they are healthy and balanced. Confidence can only exude when you have that formula. *sigh* I love that little girl. Hopefully, when my son is older to know better... he will love it too!
Now 7 weeks into it I hear, "Jas, this looks good on you." I want to say "I know." But I smile because my 6 year old daughter told me and that means more to me than any other validation.

In the Beginning...

Before my mother passed four months ago, there was a time when I would spend up to $80.00 and all day in the Hair Salon which equated to a wasted Saturday. Half of the time, I had to fix my hair again when I got home because 9 times out of 10 the stylist didn't exactly do what I asked her to or she put her own "twist" on it. Either way it was the time and the money that I couldn't get back. Over time I began using the box version of Dark and Lovely and realized that my hair- already frail and thin was shedding and the heat from the flat iron was not helping as well. Although my Farrah Fawcett look was cute, my hair was damaged and mal-nourished and in need of a complete makeover. After the death of my mother, I felt empty nothing seemed right, (everyday was a bad hair day) and my confidence seemed at an all time low. My mother had lost her hair due to cancer treatment and even with a bald head she was beautiful and radiant! Her smile ever so bright and exuberant. I had began to notice that so many women who with confidence, embraced their natural texture and found their own inner beauty and sexuality in the process. So I wondered, "Would it be possible to divorce my current hair (relaxed) and still feel beautiful, confident and sexy?" You know how connected us Black Women are to our tresses. So I gave myself a test - maybe I could try to transition and see if I could live with a half relaxed/half natural head of hair until my relaxer grew out. For three months I was at war with my hair. Because I work out a lot it was a constant routine of washing, conditioning, and flat ironing my hair until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally built up enough courage to go to the Ultimate Barber Lounge in Charlotte, NC and allow Rell "The Barber Artist" Morgan to cut my relaxed hair off. My beautiful and already natural girlfriend Quanita came with me for support and boy did I need it. At first chop, I was a bit nervous. I thought, "What products will I use? Will men think I am beautiful, how will this fit me?" All of the above was answered quickly. It seemed that most men were drawn like flies on you-know-what! I chalked it up as they were drawn by the confidence of a woman who could cut her hair and still exude sexuality and beauty. This began my journey to learning and gaining a new understanding of who I really am and the healing process of dealing with the death of my best friend. I realized that although symbolic - cutting my hair was more like freedom. I shed what seemed to be expected of me and gained what I was supposed to be - a confident, beautiful, and comfortable Black Woman. My journey is not about a movement, "power to the people" or holding up my right fist for the "cause". It is about learning me, sharing my experience with other women, with the hopes that my fears, tears, laughter and experiences will be like that others - full of surprises, twists and turns, but ultimately end with a deep understanding and true love of of the joule we all are... Let the journey begin!!!!

The Big Chop

So I did it... ! My hubs (husband) took me to his barber and said "chop it off." I was surprised by his support; but also relieved. We went 7am before anyone else was there just in case I looked a mess!! LOL I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get rid of my frenemy... my relaxed hair! Poor Rico...He did not know what type of love-hate relationship black women had with their hair until marrying me! :)

Most, if not all of us can relate to the visits to the salon Saturday morning, spending an arm and a leg, just to fix your new 'do in the car. Since I rocked a short cut; most stylists reverted to a hard "ghetto" (lack of better term) spiky look. I longed for the soft Nia Long or Malinda William's tresses I saw in Essence Magazine. Uggghhhhh!!! I would walk away looking and feeling like a peacock... and my husband pissed that I spent almost $100 on something less than flattering. Or trying to go to the gym during your lunch break just to be in the bathroom longer than your workout to get your hair together. You name it... I tried it! Sew-ins, wigs, glue, braids, quick weave... all in one month. Needless to say Rico had enough ( so did our budget! )

So I did the Big Chop.... and I couldn't be more happy! So I have embraced my "inner joule" and all the energy that it takes to be fabulous without my relaxed hair. I have started to test different products, and look at different techniques for my natural hair... I am beyond excited y'all! :) This will be a great journey, I hope you all enjoy the ride... OH LET's DO IT!